i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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