I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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