Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
