how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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