Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
