I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
