The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
