So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
