Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
