i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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