I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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