FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
