i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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