I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
