Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Randomize
