does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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