Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
