So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
