history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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