In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
