I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
