We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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