My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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