Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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