First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
