why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
