Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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