Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
