my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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