Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
