He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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