I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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