I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
