After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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