I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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