be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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