That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
