were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
