theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
