Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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