we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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