so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
