I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
