the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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