Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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