A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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