he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
