Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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