It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
