I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
