Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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