at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
