i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
