Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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