Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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