You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
