don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
