brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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